I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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