i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
