theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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