Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
