Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
