Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
