I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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