two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
