so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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