Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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