I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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