Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
