I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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