I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
