I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
