got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
