I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
my poor anus
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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