Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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