OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
