It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
