did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
