he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
