Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
