And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
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I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
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I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
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