He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
