this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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