he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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