Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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