hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
