I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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