hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
