So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
