You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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