Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
