Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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