I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
