recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
