Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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