Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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