the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
