I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
