Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize