Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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