I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
