You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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