I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
