Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
