Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf