How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
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DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
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Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.