I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless