I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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