it was like his penis was on wheels.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
