I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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