She's JV to your varsity
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
