I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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