Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I supernannyed him into submission
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
