Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Bring me that man meat
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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