Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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