Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You ruined the universe
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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