My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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