ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
