you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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