I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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