when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
